It Takes a Village: The 200 Envelopes Project

Hey Everyone!

We have our first home study interview scheduled for May 3rd!!!  With your support from the puzzle fundraiser, we have been able to raise enough funding for our first 2 adoption fees!!!  Thank you so much!  (Thank you notes along with pics of your puzzle piece(s) are heading your way soon!)

The time has come for us to take on our second (and most ambitious) fundraiser yet!  We are 3 fees, 4 interviews and a waiting period away from bringing our baby home!!!!  However, these next two fees are the largest…so I would be lying if I said anxiety hasn’t crept in a bit.

This fundraiser has the potential to fund 90% of our remaining financial goal!!!!  So this is a HUGE deal to us!

Personally, I have been hesitant to do this fundraiser because it is SO BIG.  But after experiencing the support you have given us already, and trusting that our God can exceed our wildest dreams—we felt led to DREAM BIG!

We are calling this next fundraiser the “200 Envelopes Project.”  It’s a pretty simple concept.  We will have 200 envelopes.  Each envelope will have a number.  That number represents the dollar amount.  Once that amount has been claimed and donated, the envelope gets crossed out.   The fundraiser continues until all 200 envelopes are claimed.  Once all the envelopes are claimed—we have then raised over $20,000 (only $1,900 short from being FULLY FUNDED!)

This is going to require our entire village!  

Here it goes…these are the 4 steps for you to follow if you feel led to contribute:

Step 1: Join our Facebook Page, HERE.  

By joining, you can follow our progress on where we are in the adoption journey as well as stay updated on which envelopes are still available.

Step 2: Choose the envelope that has the cash value you wish to give or even raise yourself by doing a fundraiser of your own for baby Hollis.

--Make sure the envelope you want isn’t crossed out

--If the envelope that represents your donation is crossed out, choose multiple envelopes that will equal the amount you feel led to give/raise.  For example: If you wish to donate $100, you could claim several envelopes that equal the sum of 100.

Step 3: Give/raise your donation fast!

The interview process is going to take 4-6 weeks depending on scheduling and we will need to raise a bulk of this money QUICKLY!  

--Email me (whitneyhollis14@gmail.com) or message me on Facebook to claim your envelope number and I will give instruction on how to pay your donation amount.

Step 4: Dance and jump around right where you are because YOU ARE AMAZING and I want you to celebrate yourself and the huge role you are playing in this amazing journey of finding baby Hollis!!!  

We can’t even express how much we love and appreciate you!

Let’s bring this baby home!!!!

A Redeeming Piece of our Story

As many of you know, Brandon and I have embarked on our journey of adoption! After a few weeks into the process, God has called us to a state of vulnerability.  We feel God leading us to share a small glimpse of our story of how we got to this point.  

3 years ago—we felt God calling us to pursue parenthood.  We expected to follow through with our plan and we didn’t really expect any complications or barriers. Boy, were we wrong! ;-)   Those three years consisted of a miscarriage, several failed attempts, tests, labs, medications, and a surgery that was supposed to help the process, but instead, it practically ended our chances of conceiving.  We were devastated.  We were confused. We were angry.  We felt hopeless.

We spent several months in prayer and we kept feeling that God was leading us on the path of adoption.  Brandon and I had discussed adoption before we were even married.  It was a passion of ours and we knew God had called us to adopt eventually…we just assumed it would be after we had a few biological children and THEN we would adopt a third and possibly fourth.

When we publicly announced our adoption, someone made the comment, “This adoption is going to heal all of your hurt and pain from your infertility.”  I sat on that comment for a few days and then I concluded…this adoption will not heal my infertility or the pain that stemmed from it.  Honestly, I don’t want it to heal it.  I do however, know that adoption will redeem our story and that gut wrenching pain associated with infertility.

I recently read a blog post on our adoption agency’s website from an adoptive parent.  The writer makes a distinction between healing and redemption in regards to infertility before adoption.  She writes, “HEALING restores a person to their previous, uninjured state. Healing “undoes” the damage.  However, REDEMPTION doesn’t “undo” the damage, it “turns” the damage and uses it in a way that brings life and light to the broken.”

At times, I wish that this wasn’t our story.  I wish that those three years would’ve never happened and we could’ve fast forward to this season of hope and waiting.   However, for the most part…I love our story.  Our story is a beautiful mess.  It’s a story of God’s redemption.  It’s an illustration of God’s perfect and good will.  It’s a story of finding God’s peace in the midst of our suffering.  It’s a story of bringing husband and wife closer than ever, due to heartache and life experience.  In summary, it’s a story of hope.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that God was calling us to be vulnerable.   He has called us to be vulnerable in a couple of ways illustrated in this blog post.  One of which, we have already done—sharing our story.  Secondly, He has called us to ask you to be a part of that story.

We all know adoption is costly.  While we are intentional stewards of the money God gives us to manage, with an extensive amount of time, we could potentially save that amount on our own.  But we don’t know how long this timeline is and we currently don’t have $25,000 in the bank account to cover these costs.  We have been praying about this for the past several weeks, and we feel a strong call to invite others to help us financially in bringing baby Hollis home. In our self-sufficient society, we hear God asking us specifically to make ourselves vulnerable in this way…and to be honest it does make us feel awkward.

If there is one theme that has been showing up in our prayer and worship time, it’s that God is writing an amazing story here and we are simply along for the ride and need to hold on tight and ultimately, we can’t do this alone.  These past three years have taught us that community is invaluable and it’s so important to live life alongside one another.  That’s why we want you to be a piece of Baby Hollis’ story…literally.

Brandon and I have created a puzzle on shutterfly.com.  This puzzle has 252 pieces. (I’m not sure why it’s not 250…but I won’t question the amazing Shutterfly.)  We will be putting this puzzle together, framing it in a float frame and displaying it in the nursery.  Before we frame it, we would love to fill the back of the puzzle with your names!

This brings us to our first adoption fundraiser…The Adoption Puzzle.  You will have the opportunity to purchase a piece of the puzzle with a minimum donation of $25 a piece.  After you’ve purchased your puzzle piece, we will then write your name on the back of the piece.  Once all the pieces are purchased, we will put together the puzzle and frame it.  Here’s the amazing part...not only will you play a vital role in bringing Baby Hollis home, but once this child is older, they will have a tangible keepsake that displays the names of the people God used to unite our family💜

We are excited to begin this portion of the journey!  We are in midst of our home study process with our agency and it’s allowing us to understand…this journey is not a journey of waiting.  It’s a journey of finding the child that God specifically created for us to disciple and fiercely love…hopefully SOONER than later

How you can Donate:

• Click our PayPal.Me link and pay securely through PayPal (PayPal.Me/hollisadoption)
• Write a check or donate cash and hand deliver to Brandon and/or Whitney Hollis
• Mail a check (email Whitney at whitneyhollis14@gmail.com for our mailing address)

We love ya’ll dearly!

Joyfully HIS,

Whit

788 Days

We have waited…for 788 days.    Two years and two months later, we still find ourselves waiting for this calling that God has given us—to be parents.  It has been two years of devastation, confusion, heartache and grief.  Two years of unexplained infertility that followed one humbling test after another.  Two years of failed trials and shattered hope.

            I want to be angry, I want to quit, and at times, I even want to question God.  But I can’t?  I keep asking why?  Why is God doing this to us when He has called us to this and has given us this desire?  Why do the medications and tests constantly fail us?  Why can’t the doctors find an answer?  I want to question God’s goodness…but again, I can’t.

            I know God is good.  I know He is truth.  I know that my suffering has eternal and glorious purpose.  I know this.  Yet, I can’t find peace.

            Today, we were punched in the gut with the realization that this month, like the other 25 months of trying to have a baby…has failed.  We wept, we cursed, we sat in moments of complete silence, and we found ourselves repeating “This is not fair!”  However, today was different from the other 25…after our short-lived time of grief—we brushed ourselves off, and we began reading together.  We first started studying in the book of James, discussing how God’s plans for our lives, while at times are not ideal—are extremely abundant, and let’s face it…downright hard.  However, His plans are so worth it and so much more meaningful than our simple earthly minds could ever comprehend.

            Then, Brandon and I started reading a book today, titled I Don’t Wait Anymore by Grace Thornton.  We read one sentence that truly awakened our spirits.  Thornton wrote, “What I needed to know, was the One held my path, and I needed to know Him in a way I’d never known Him before.”  Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks—instead of pursing this desire to have a child, I need to pursue the One who instilled this desire, the One who is constantly pursuing me, the One who redeemed me from the internal hell that was my life for 22 years before I met Him.

            At first I felt foolish, because I hadn’t realized this sooner.  But, then I decided to do something that is very difficult for me to do—I gave myself grace.  I then began to realize that God is doing something supernatural in me, and I felt eager to see what else He was going to do along this journey.  For the first time, in a very long time, I experienced HOPE.  I mean…I’ve had glimpses of hope every now and then throughout this journey—but this is different.  He’s starting to transform my mindset and He’s redirecting my thoughts.  I can’t find the words really.

           

            In looking at our lives the past two years, I would’ve labeled this season as “Trying to have a baby” or “Our Struggle with Infertility.”  My mind has been completely consumed with trying to have a baby, that it’s blinded me from the greater picture.  I failed to realize that God is trying to teach us something in the midst of this pain; which encourages me to re-label, if you will, the past two years.

            My prayer for Brandon and I is that we pursue an intimate, life-changing relationship with our Redeemer first and foremost, that we allow our personal relationship with Christ to enhance and pour into our marriage, and that we allow that transformation to help others.  Instead of pursuing a desire to have a child, which has led to grief and complete brokenness—may we follow our beloved Pursuer and allow Him to fill our lives with peace, hope, understanding, and joy.

            I humbly ask that you pray that alongside with us.  I’m not sure what this journey looks like…and I’m okay with that. 

            In closing, I will leave you with these lyrics.  The song is “Thy Will be Done” by Hillary Scott.

I’m so confused

I know I heard You loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don’t want to think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of Your plan

When I try to pray

All I have is hurt and these four words:

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know You’re good

But this doesn’t feel good right now

And I know You think

Of thing I could never think about

It’s hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all Your promises

Sometimes I have to stop

Remember that You’re God

And I am not

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees, all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know You see me

I know You hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness You have in store

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Comfortably Uncomfortable

This past year has been difficult. Brandon and I have had a year filled with inconsistency, transitions, emotional struggle, financial struggle, loss, heartache, judgment and hardship. I often ask myself what I would want to change if I could. I always conclude with the same answer-- “absolutely nothing.” Yes, this year has really sucked. However, through it all God has been nothing but faithful. I have watched my husband transform into a godly leader. I have witnessed a supernatural passion enter into both of our lives. I have felt God changing our hearts and desires. We have drastically changed this year! We are not the same people we were this time last year when we were planning our winter wedding. We have different desires, different passions, and different goals for our lives and we are continually changing. This change is empowering and also terrifying.

One of our biggest revelations this year, while reading Radical, is the simple fact that as Christians, we are OBLIGATED to declare the name of Jesus Christ. This is not an option. The apostle Paul writes, “I am obligated both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are in Rome. For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes.” (Romans 1:14-16)

So what has this one simple revelation done for us? It has brought us to the realization and conviction that we live for one purpose and that is to share the love and name of Jesus Christ. We are still in the process of developing an eternal perspective. We are praying for ways in which we can bring the gospel to others. We realize that we can no longer seek things that are superficial and temporary but to invest our time and resources for a greater good! We have to be vulnerable, we have to constantly seek growth, we have to desire continual transformation, and here's the kicker...we have to experience discomfort. Of course we all want to grow and transform so that we can become more like Christ, but when we have to sacrifice our comfort and security...that desire to change and grow can quickly fade away and that's when complacency comes and resides within us. We often tend to do what is comfortable. We go to church every week, we help in ministries that we feel called to help in, we tithe, we read an excerpt from Scripture everyday, we pray, etc. It is so easy for us to fall into the trap of doing these things because “that's what good Christians do.”

As believers, we all have our own individual calling. God has specifically designed for us a purpose and has individually chosen us for that purpose. Whether we are called to go overseas and proclaim Christ to an unreached people group, or we are called to pack up our families and move to a different city or state, or we are called to sacrificially and financially give to missions...the underlying truth is the same—we must be willing to step outside of our comfort zones and commit to the continual change that God has in store for us. When writing to the Christians in Thessaloniki, Paul acknowledges their spiritual growth and encourages them to keep growing. He writes, “Finally, dear brothers and sisters, we urge you in the name of the Lord Jesus to live in a way that pleases God, as we have taught you. You live this way already, and we encourage you to do so even more.” (1 Thessalonians 4:1)

Change is hard and at times terrifying. In one of Christine Caine's podcasts she stated, “For every new level, there is a new devil.” She goes on to explain that when we change and grow in Christ, satan tends to attack us at a greater level. We become a threat to his kingdom when we begin to grow and declare the name of Christ more often. The greater we grow in Christ, the larger the pit that satan has prepared for us and it is filled with new levels of deceit, heartache and pain. At times I allow this thought to terrify me. At times I tell myself that I have done a lot of good and that I no longer need to grow. When I think of her statement, I reflect on my past pain and hurt and I don't want to go through anymore trial. I tell myself, “I have had enough hurt in this lifetime, I can't handle anymore.”

BUT...MY GOD! My God goes before me. My God fights my every battle. My God is the great comforter. My God allows us to endure suffering so that we may play a small part in His eternal and glorious plan. This is where the eternal perspective comes into play again...every tear, every cry, every gut wrenching painful experience is NOTHING compared to the glory of Jesus Christ and our eternity with Him! Paul writes, “For our LIGHT and MOMENTARY troubles are achieving for us an ETERNAL GLORY that FAR OUTWEIGHS them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

How do we get there? How do we become comfortable in our discomfort? How do we long for nothing else, but to proclaim the name of Jesus Christ to those we encounter. How do we find the willingness to sacrifice anything and everything for the glory of the gospel? I believe that we all get to this point in our own unique way. For me personally, I have not reached this point. However, I have come to the point that I WANT to think about Jesus day and night, I WANT to be able to say “Here I am God, do WHATEVER You need to do with my life...it is Yours;” and I WANT to comfortably uncomfortable.

So I invite you...to follow me along on this journey of what I hope to be radical transformation. I feel like my first step is to find my identity in Christ and to find boldness and confidence in that identity. I have felt led to do this for a month or so now, but I have been waiting for confirmation and for God's timing.

Over the next few months or so I will be writing a “Who Am I?” series on this blog. This series will cause me to be vulnerable, it will be exposing, and at times I may share unsettling thoughts. Why am I doing this? Actually there are several reasons...

1.I feel like God is using my blog to not only help others but to reveal Himself to me in crazy and awesome ways.

2.I am on a journey to discover who I am in Christ and personally, I don't want to keep that to myself...this journey has already been filled with miracles, revelations, and God's goodness...and I want to share that with anyone who wishes to read my blog series. I feel God is calling me to share it.

3.I have realized that I am not alone in this struggle...I received several messages, comments, and e-mails after the post “Who Am I?' and I realize that we go through a lot of the same struggles and temptations, and I realize that God is using my blog in great ways.

The process of growth and purification is always difficult and unsettling. It oftentimes entails loss, heartache and difficulty. BUT, the reward is eternal and the impact has the potential to be GLOBAL! We must remain bold on this journey of faith. We must never think that we have “arrived.” If we ever come to that warped place of arrival we become stagnant and complacent. We must always seek God, be willing to change, and learn to live a life that is comfortably uncomfortable.

What is Your Story?

God has really been moving in my life these past few weeks. In my last post, the Spirit led me to be completely exposed and vulnerable, and over the past week or so I have been pondering on my weaknesses and my struggles. Normally, when I would ponder on such things, I would become discouraged or even disgusted. However, over the past few days, I have embraced them and I have been thankful for them! Early on in my walk with Christ, I was afraid to share such things because I felt shame, or I felt like if I shared my battles then it would make me seem weak, or it would overwhelm those around me. These thoughts led me to be guarded, and I pretended I had it all together because I had Jesus in my life now. Can anyone relate?

 Thanks to my husband's "awesomeness" and his ability to remember passages of Scripture, I've been meditating on 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 today, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will BOAST all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

 Okay, just try to run with me on this. I'm trying to figure out why so many Christians I know struggle with discussing their weaknesses to others. I know it's uncomfortable and uncommon, but as followers of Christs, our lives should include some discomfort as well as radical tendencies. The apostle Paul tells us to BOAST in our weaknesses because through our struggles, the POWER OF CHRIST is revealed! That is ridiculously mind blowing to me! John Piper writes, “The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity is not quick relief, but the well-grounded confidence that what is happening to us is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe - the glorification of the grace and power of his Son - the grace and power that bore Him to the cross and kept him there until the work of love was done.” You see? Our suffering and our weaknesses have ETERNAL AND SUPERNATURAL PURPOSE! Please just meditate and “chew on that” for a moment.

Our stories of weakness and temporary defeat do two things—they prove that we are human and can do nothing without God and they also reveal His supernatural glory when we share the stories to those we encounter. Does that mean that I go up to random people and say, “Hi! My name is Whitney and I struggle with depression and self-worth.”? Of course not! However, recently God has brought new friends in my life where I have found myself sharing my story early on in our relationship because I could sense similar struggles and the Spirit was leading me to open up and expose my “baggage.” Yes, it is terrifying to open up. Yes, you will have people reject you. Yes, you will feel uncomfortable. But my dear friends, the reward...oh the reward! God will use your story in ways that you can't even imagine! He will use you to encourage, uplift and give hope to the hopeless. Your story has the potential to radically transform a life, simply because your story of pain and weakness reveals the POWER OF CHRIST!

 Maybe you struggle with depression and understand how Satan can consume your mind in times of darkness. Maybe you struggle with addiction and find yourself bound in chains. Maybe you struggle with complacency and enjoying your comfortable lifestyle, afraid to step out in bold faith. Maybe you have issues with anger and bitterness and you have isolated yourself from your friends because in your mind, everyone is wrong. Maybe you have a sex addiction and you can't escape the bondage. Maybe you find your comfort in food instead of God. Whatever, your story is...remember...it's the story that God has written out for you! He allows us to endure these struggles because it allows us to find supernatural empathy, it allows us to encourage those in similar situations, it creates great bonds of friendship, it opens our eyes to the suffering around us! Every second of our suffering has great eternal meaning! Our suffering has a radical purpose! Our suffering is only momentary...until the Lord Jesus has been revealed and has come again! Then my friends, we can say, “Every tear, every rejection, every heartache, every doubt was worth it!” Trust me, it WILL be worth it!

My name is Whitney.  I am a follower of Christ.  I am redeemed and forgiven by His ultimate sacrifice.  I struggle daily with depression as well as finding confidence and discovering my identity in Christ.  What is your story?

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."--2 Corinthians 11:30

Restoration: A Divine Illustration

Over the past few days I have experienced a great variety of emotions.  On Friday, Brandon and I closed on our very first home!  We felt overwhelmed, excited, joyful, happy, proud and full of hope for our future.  On Sunday, Brandon and I lost part of our precious home to an electrical fire.  Again, we were overwhelmed, but we were also confused, terrified, nervous, anxious, and yet we were still full of hope.

Yes, this is a horrible situation and it has been one of the most difficult trials I have yet to face.  I have wept in my husband’s arms; I have asked the question “Why?” at least a million times; I have felt resentment and anger; and I have felt lost, because currently, I no longer have the security of a home that I can call my own. 

And yet through all of this…a beam of hope shines through.  I find this absolutely amazing!  When I want to throw my hands up in the air and scream “I give up!” and when I want to lay in bed in fetal position and cry until I cannot cry any more…that is when God whispers “I am here, I've got this.  Trust Me.”

I love the passage in Lamentations 3, “When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself.  Enter the silence.  Bow in prayer.  Don’t ask questions: wait for hope to appear.  Don’t run from trouble.  Take it full-face.  The “worst” is never the worst.”  So now I stand, waiting for hope to appear.  As time passes, I am beginning to see God’s hand all over this.

Brandon and I have been given great vision of future ministry and I feel like this situation is a perfect illustration of what’s to come.  As I was speaking with the insurance adjuster, he mentioned the word “restoration.”  And I sat quietly and pondered on that word and what it meant.  Then my mind immediately went to our hopes and dreams of opening our lives to people in desperate situations…in need of hope, redemption, second chances, and restoration.  What an amazing illustration God has provided! 

Elisabeth Elliot writes, “To be a follower of the Crucified means, sooner or later, a personal encounter with the cross.  And the cross always entails loss.  The great symbol of Christianity means sacrifice and no one who calls himself a Christian can evade this stark fact.” (These Strange Ashes)  As I write this, my eyes are filled with tears of hope and joy.  I am extremely blessed!  God has brought us to a season of loss and despair, and has given us this amazing opportunity to cling to the Cross and to cling to Him.  He is reminding us that He is sovereign and that He is glorified – even through situations of despair and heartache.

The next eight weeks will be hard.  It will be a time of instability – lacking resources as well as the comfort and safety of “home.”  I won’t be able to decorate my house for the fall season.  I won’t be able to sit on my screened porch, cuddling with Brandon and watching the leaves change.  I am going to be missing out on so many simple memories that I was longing for during our closing process. 

However, I am excited for new and unexpected memories.  I don’t even know where we will live for the next eight weeks, but we are facing the unknown in the arms of Christ.  And there is nowhere else I would rather be than safe in the arms of my Redeemer.

Damage from the fire - Sunday August 31

Damage from the fire - Sunday August 31

Damage from the fire - Sunday August 31

Our first picture together at our first home - Friday August 29th

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” –Philippians 4:12

Reckless Abandon

Over the past year I have been doing a precept study on the book of Acts. Even though at times the study may seem redundant, I have learned a great deal from this study and my passions for missions have been re-ignited and I have been meditating on life in general. So forgive me as this blog post may seem a bit...scattered.

This past week I was studying the passage of Acts 16:11-40. I have personally read this passage several times and I know the story pretty well. For those of you that aren't as familiar...Paul and Silas were imprisoned in Rome shortly after commanding a divination spirit to flee from a young slave girl. They were being beaten and persecuted for bringing “confusion” to the Roman people. And then the kicker...verse 25 comes in and always kicks me in the gut. It reads, “But about midnight, Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to God...” Let's just stop and imagine this. Imagine...you are a faithful servant of God, being called to evangelize and proclaim the gospel of the Kingdom. You have no doubt that you are in the center of God's will for your life. Then you are beaten and imprisoned for doing the very thing that God has called you to do! In my current state, I feel that I would question God and ask Him “Why?” Why have you called me to this life Lord? Why did this happen? How will I ever proclaim Your name to a lost and dying people if I am locked up in prison? However, Paul and Silas did no such thing. The Bible says they were PRAYING AND SINGING PRAISES. I may be alone in this...but that never ceases to amaze me! Every time I read this passage I sit and stare at this verse for a while.

While reflecting during this reading last week, I just kept asking myself, “How do I get there?” How do I get to the point where I find pure Spirit-filled joy in super crappy situations?

I mean...if I was beaten and imprisoned, I'm not so sure I would be filled with that joy. I do feel like it would come eventually, however I feel like I would dig myself into a pit of despair, confusion and worry. However, my desire is that I do reach the point where I will turn to joy and praise when life feels like it's crashing down all around me. I so DESPERATELY LONG to obtain that spirit of constant joy as well as the ridiculous amount of faith that Paul and Silas illustrated in such a dark time. I want to get to that point...no matter the circumstances...always singing praises to my Redeemer and praying for His almighty strength.

However, I have noticed that God is increasing my awareness of His provision. Maybe this is one of the first steps? For example, I went grocery shopping at Aldi a few days ago and I was looking for a quarter for the shopping cart. I was thinking to myself, “I am NOT going to find a quarter, because I never have cash or change on me.” Well, I found one quarter in my wallet. I immediately thought, “Heck yes! Thank you Jesus!” Then I just sat there for a moment. I came to the realization that there should be absolutely no reason for a quarter to be in my wallet or car because I simply do not keep cash or change. However, every time I pull into that Aldi parking lot, I discover one quarter. And then of course I got teary eyed (because face it...this is ME we are talking about!) just at the mere THOUGHT my Provider – my Jehovah Jireh ALWAYS provides quarters for the shopping cart at Aldi.

Honestly, I pray that I continue to look like a teary-eyed blubbering fool in the Aldi parking lot, because I don't want to lose that awareness and thankfulness. I feel like in this moment God spoke to me and He said, “This is how you will reach that point of radical faith...you grow from this, you realize My provision and love for you and then this awareness will be constant in all situations.”

Okay...now we jump to my second reflection. Let the scatter begin! :)

I have been thinking about my life in general. My past, present, and my future. I have really been struggling with the fact that I have a teaching degree and yet I have to explain to people why I am pursuing a degree in Christian counseling. Trust me, this was NOT my plan at all. Sadly, when I pursued teaching, I pursued it because I was good at it and I had a passion for teaching. I just assumed that God gave me that gift so that I may use it in my profession. However, it was not my personal calling. I discovered what God's calling really looked like when I went to Uganda in 2011. Again, I did NOT want to go to Uganda, I even hated Uganda when I was first there, but my heart began to soften and my eyes were being opened to something greater than I could have ever imagined.

And now here I am...back in school and taking classes online and working in ministry making minimum wage. Last week, satan was putting doubts and shame in my mind. I felt shameful at the fact that I could be teaching and pursuing a great career and instead I am working in part-time ministry making minimum wage. I wanted to financially contribute more to our home and instead I felt like a burden. Oh how satan can bring us down so quickly. It's horrifying to think about when you ponder on it too long.

But after great encouragement from my super awesome husband and my dear friends, as well as sitting in the stillness of God...I was reminded of this quote from Jim Elliot, “Forgive me for being so ordinary while claiming to know so extraordinary a God.” I was longing for an ordinary and “normal” life, but my life has never been normal. It has been hard and difficult and it has NEVER been ordinary or “normal.” For the most part it has been messy, dramatic, and dysfunctional. But through that mess, God's grace is in the midst. He has put me through my specific trials and struggles and then radically transformed for a reason...to bring hope to the hopeless. To be living proof, that God can rescue the “lost causes.”

Elisabeth Elliot writes, “I have one desire now – to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord putting all of my energy and strength into it.”

And so I come in full circle...at least I think so anyway haha. In order to reach that radical faith that Paul and Silas so greatly illustrate, I have to realize that my life cannot be “ordinary” or “normal” and that I have to live a life of reckless abandon, putting every ounce of energy and strength into my life...a life that has one sole purpose....to glorify God and to share His love and grace to those around me.

So I pray, that I focus on my relationship with my Savior more than any other relationship. I pray that He is always on my mind. I pray that I no longer desire the “normal” or “ordinary.” I pray that, like the disciples, I will be willing to Follow Him where ever He leads, no matter what it costs me...a life of reckless abandon.