We have waited…for 788 days. Two
years and two months later, we still find ourselves waiting for this calling that
God has given us—to be parents. It has
been two years of devastation, confusion, heartache and grief. Two years of unexplained infertility that
followed one humbling test after another.
Two years of failed trials and shattered hope.
I want to
be angry, I want to quit, and at times, I even want to question God. But I can’t?
I keep asking why? Why is God
doing this to us when He has called us to this and has given us this
desire? Why do the medications and tests
constantly fail us? Why can’t the
doctors find an answer? I want to
question God’s goodness…but again, I can’t.
I know God
is good. I know He is truth. I know that my suffering has eternal and
glorious purpose. I know this. Yet, I can’t find peace.
Today, we
were punched in the gut with the realization that this month, like the other 25
months of trying to have a baby…has failed.
We wept, we cursed, we sat in moments of complete silence, and we found
ourselves repeating “This is not fair!” However,
today was different from the other 25…after our short-lived time of grief—we brushed
ourselves off, and we began reading together.
We first started studying in the book of James, discussing how God’s
plans for our lives, while at times are not ideal—are extremely abundant, and
let’s face it…downright hard. However,
His plans are so worth it and so much more meaningful than our simple earthly
minds could ever comprehend.
Then, Brandon
and I started reading a book today, titled I
Don’t Wait Anymore by Grace Thornton.
We read one sentence that truly awakened our spirits. Thornton wrote, “What I needed to know, was
the One held my path, and I needed to know Him in a way I’d never known Him
before.” Then it hit me, like a ton of
bricks—instead of pursing this desire to have a child, I need to pursue the One
who instilled this desire, the One who is constantly pursuing me, the One who
redeemed me from the internal hell that was my life for 22 years before I met
Him.
At first I
felt foolish, because I hadn’t realized this sooner. But, then I decided to do something that is
very difficult for me to do—I gave myself grace. I then began to realize that God is doing
something supernatural in me, and I felt eager to see what else He was going to
do along this journey. For the first
time, in a very long time, I
experienced HOPE. I mean…I’ve had
glimpses of hope every now and then throughout this journey—but this is
different. He’s starting to transform my
mindset and He’s redirecting my thoughts.
I can’t find the words really.
In looking
at our lives the past two years, I would’ve labeled this season as “Trying to
have a baby” or “Our Struggle with Infertility.” My mind has been completely consumed with
trying to have a baby, that it’s blinded me from the greater picture. I failed to realize that God is trying to
teach us something in the midst of this pain; which encourages me to re-label,
if you will, the past two years.
My prayer
for Brandon and I is that we pursue an intimate, life-changing relationship
with our Redeemer first and foremost, that we allow our personal relationship
with Christ to enhance and pour into our marriage, and that we allow that
transformation to help others. Instead
of pursuing a desire to have a child, which has led to grief and complete brokenness—may
we follow our beloved Pursuer and allow Him to fill our lives with peace, hope,
understanding, and joy.
I humbly ask
that you pray that alongside with us. I’m
not sure what this journey looks like…and I’m okay with that.
In closing,
I will leave you with these lyrics. The
song is “Thy Will be Done” by Hillary Scott.
I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t want to think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I have is hurt and these four words:
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know You’re good
But this doesn’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of thing I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I have to stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees, all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
