Over the past year I have been doing a
precept study on the book of Acts. Even though at times the study
may seem redundant, I have learned a great deal from this study and
my passions for missions have been re-ignited and I have been
meditating on life in general. So forgive me as this blog post may
seem a bit...scattered.
This past week I was studying the
passage of Acts 16:11-40. I have personally read this passage
several times and I know the story pretty well. For those of you
that aren't as familiar...Paul and Silas were imprisoned in Rome
shortly after commanding a divination spirit to flee from a young
slave girl. They were being beaten and persecuted for bringing
“confusion” to the Roman people. And then the kicker...verse 25
comes in and always kicks me in the gut. It reads, “But about
midnight, Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to
God...” Let's just stop and imagine this. Imagine...you are a
faithful servant of God, being called to evangelize and proclaim the
gospel of the Kingdom. You have no doubt that you are in the center
of God's will for your life. Then you are beaten and imprisoned for
doing the very thing that God has called you to do! In my current
state, I feel that I would question God and ask Him “Why?” Why
have you called me to this life Lord? Why did this happen? How will
I ever proclaim Your name to a lost and dying people if I am locked
up in prison? However, Paul and Silas did no such thing. The Bible
says they were PRAYING AND SINGING PRAISES. I may be alone in
this...but that never ceases to amaze me! Every time I read this
passage I sit and stare at this verse for a while.
While reflecting during this reading
last week, I just kept asking myself, “How do I get there?” How
do I get to the point where I find pure Spirit-filled joy in super
crappy situations?
I mean...if I was beaten and
imprisoned, I'm not so sure I would be filled with that joy. I do
feel like it would come eventually, however I feel like I would dig
myself into a pit of despair, confusion and worry. However, my
desire is that I do reach the point where I will turn to joy and
praise when life feels like it's crashing down all around me. I so
DESPERATELY LONG to obtain that spirit of constant joy as well as the
ridiculous amount of faith that Paul and Silas illustrated in such a
dark time. I want to get to that point...no matter the
circumstances...always singing praises to my Redeemer and praying for
His almighty strength.
However, I have noticed that God is
increasing my awareness of His provision. Maybe this is one of the
first steps? For example, I went grocery shopping at Aldi a few days
ago and I was looking for a quarter for the shopping cart. I was
thinking to myself, “I am NOT going to find a quarter, because I
never have cash or change on me.” Well, I found one quarter in my
wallet. I immediately thought, “Heck yes! Thank you Jesus!”
Then I just sat there for a moment. I came to the realization that
there should be absolutely no reason for a quarter to be in my wallet
or car because I simply do not keep cash or change. However, every
time I pull into that Aldi parking lot, I discover one quarter. And
then of course I got teary eyed (because face it...this is ME we are
talking about!) just at the mere THOUGHT my Provider – my Jehovah
Jireh ALWAYS provides quarters for the shopping cart at Aldi.
Honestly, I pray that I continue to
look like a teary-eyed blubbering fool in the Aldi parking lot,
because I don't want to lose that awareness and thankfulness. I feel
like in this moment God spoke to me and He said, “This is how you
will reach that point of radical faith...you grow from this, you
realize My provision and love for you and then this awareness will be
constant in all situations.”
Okay...now we jump to my second
reflection. Let the scatter begin! :)
I have been thinking about my life in
general. My past, present, and my future. I have really been
struggling with the fact that I have a teaching degree and yet I have
to explain to people why I am pursuing a degree in Christian
counseling. Trust me, this was NOT my plan at all. Sadly, when I
pursued teaching, I pursued it because I was good at it and I had a
passion for teaching. I just assumed that God gave me that gift so
that I may use it in my profession. However, it was not my personal
calling. I discovered what God's calling really looked like when I
went to Uganda in 2011. Again, I did NOT want to go to Uganda, I
even hated Uganda when I was first there, but my heart began to
soften and my eyes were being opened to something greater than I
could have ever imagined.
And now here I am...back in school and
taking classes online and working in ministry making minimum wage.
Last week, satan was putting doubts and shame in my mind. I felt
shameful at the fact that I could be teaching and pursuing a great
career and instead I am working in part-time ministry making minimum
wage. I wanted to financially contribute more to our home and
instead I felt like a burden. Oh how satan can bring us down so
quickly. It's horrifying to think about when you ponder on it too
long.
But after great encouragement from my
super awesome husband and my dear friends, as well as sitting in the
stillness of God...I was reminded of this quote from Jim Elliot,
“Forgive me for being so ordinary while claiming to know so
extraordinary a God.” I was longing for an ordinary and “normal”
life, but my life has never been normal. It has been hard and
difficult and it has NEVER been ordinary or “normal.” For the
most part it has been messy, dramatic, and dysfunctional. But
through that mess, God's grace is in the midst. He has put me
through my specific trials and struggles and then radically
transformed for a reason...to bring hope to the hopeless. To be
living proof, that God can rescue the “lost causes.”
Elisabeth Elliot writes, “I have one
desire now – to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord
putting all of my energy and strength into it.”
And so I come in full circle...at least
I think so anyway haha. In order to reach that radical faith that
Paul and Silas so greatly illustrate, I have to realize that my life
cannot be “ordinary” or “normal” and that I have to live a
life of reckless abandon, putting every ounce of energy and strength
into my life...a life that has one sole purpose....to glorify God and
to share His love and grace to those around me.
So I pray, that I focus on my
relationship with my Savior more than any other relationship. I pray
that He is always on my mind. I pray that I no longer desire the
“normal” or “ordinary.” I pray that, like the disciples, I
will be willing to Follow Him where ever He leads, no matter what it
costs me...a life of reckless abandon.
